I watched it happen in real time, a capable, high-performing leader trapped in a cage of his own making.
We were discussing performance reviews, and he was frustrated. His company required him to complete his team’s reviews before receiving feedback on his own performance from his boss. “How can I write exceptional reviews,” he asked, “when I don’t even know my own blind spots yet? I want to weave that self-awareness into my feedback, but the system won’t let me.”
He had perfectly identified the problem. What he hadn’t identified was his power to solve it.
This is the rescue trap, and if you’re a high-capacity leader who genuinely cares about your people, you’ve probably fallen into it more times than you’d like to admit. I know I have. When you’re naturally gifted at fixing things and your team is naturally gifted at finding problems, you create a doom cycle, one that ends with a burned-out leader carrying a team that’s learned to wait for permission instead of creating progress.
The Fixer’s Dilemma: When Your Strength Becomes Your Weakness
Most leaders unconsciously absorb the stress, complaints, and dysfunctions of their teams, believing that solving everything is simply part of the job description. Recent research from Harvard Business Review reveals just how dangerous this pattern becomes. Gordon M. Sayre and his colleagues describe this as “surface acting”—where leaders “suppress [their] true feelings and simply fake the emotions [they’re] expected to show” Page 2, Sayre et al., 2025.
Their study found that when people start the day already low in energy, “they struggle to muster the effort needed to deep act. As a result, they resorted to surface acting to meet the emotional demands of their job” Page 3, Sayre et al., 2025. The consequences? “A vicious spiral where surface acting drains energy, leaving one exhausted and forced to rely on surface acting again the following day” Page 3, Sayre et al., 2025.
But here’s what most leaders miss: when you over-function—taking on responsibilities that rightfully belong to your team members, you don’t just burn yourself out. You actively erode the very capabilities you’re trying to build in others.
A comprehensive study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that leader over-involvement in problem-solving directly correlates with decreased team member self-efficacy and increased dependency behaviors. In other words, the more you rescue, the more rescue your team requires.
The cost? Burnout for you. Learned helplessness for them. And a culture where people wait for you to fix things instead of stepping up to own them.
When you’re exceptional at solving problems and your team is exceptional at identifying them, you’ve created the perfect recipe for leadership exhaustion. You become the hero everyone turns to, the bottleneck everyone waits on, the savior who never gets a break. But that’s not leadership—that’s a trap disguised as service.
What Happens When You Accept Every Problem
There’s a classic Harvard Business Review article titled “Who’s Got the Monkey?” that perfectly captures this dynamic. The premise is simple but profound: every time a team member brings you a problem and you take it on, they’ve successfully transferred the “monkey” from their back to yours. And here’s the kicker—once you accept that monkey, you’ve voluntarily assumed a position subordinate to your subordinate. They’re now waiting on you to solve their problem, and you’re working for them instead of the other way around.
The leader I mentioned at the beginning had accepted a monkey that wasn’t his. The broken system wasn’t something he controlled, but he’d convinced himself he was powerless to act. So I asked him a simple question: “What would prevent you from picking up the phone and asking your boss for two or three of your blind spots right now, before the formal review process?”
He paused. “Nothing, actually. I could absolutely do that.”
That’s the moment the monkey went back where it belonged—in his control.
Jennifer Moss, in her research on empathetic leadership and burnout prevention, emphasizes that authentic empathy requires more than just understanding—it demands “stepping outside of your own needs, assessing and removing bias and privilege, actively listening to your people, and then taking action” Page 2, Moss, 2020. But that action shouldn’t mean absorbing their problems. It means empowering them to solve their own.
Between Stimulus and Response Lies Your Power
Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, identified something profound about human agency. He wrote that between stimulus and response, there is a space—and in that space lies our power to choose our response. That choice is where our growth and freedom reside.
Recent research in organizational psychology has built on Frankl’s insight, demonstrating that leaders who help team members recognize their “response-ability”—their ability to respond—create more resilient, autonomous, and high-performing teams. According to a study in The Leadership Quarterly, teams led by coaches who emphasize personal agency show 34% higher problem-solving effectiveness than teams with directive, solution-providing leaders.
As leaders, we often skip right past that space between stimulus and response. Someone brings us a problem (stimulus), and we immediately jump to the solution (response). But that gap—that’s where leadership actually happens. That’s where you help someone discover they have agency, power, and capability they didn’t know they possessed.
The surface acting research reinforces this point powerfully. When leaders fail to create this space and instead immediately absorb problems, they experience what researchers call a “fight or flight” reaction that “might drive behavior in stressful or draining situations” Page 5, Sayre et al., 2025. The antidote? “Take a breath. A simple pause can reset your mind and keep you from saying something you’ll regret. It also tells your body that you are okay” Page 5, Sayre et al., 2025.
Leadership Judo: Redirecting Energy Back Where It Belongs
Think of it like judo—the martial art that uses an opponent’s force against them. When someone projects their problem at you, you don’t absorb the force. You redirect it back to where it belongs, with grace and precision.
Here are the three questions that make this possible:
“What would have to be different to create a better outcome?”
This question shifts the focus from complaining about what is to imagining what could be. It moves your team member from victim to architect. Notice you’re not asking them to fix everything—you’re asking them to identify what conditions would need to change. This is the first step toward agency.
“What can you do?”
Now you’re identifying their sphere of control. Not what they wish someone else would do. Not what should happen in a perfect world. What can they do, with the resources and authority they have, right now? This question forces specificity and ownership.
“What will you do?”
This is where the rubber meets the road, commitment. Not possibility, but promise. Not “I could probably…” but “I will…” Never let a conversation end without clarity on next steps and who owns them. The monkey stays with the person closest to the problem.
I have a rule I’ve shared with every leadership team I’ve worked with: I’m always willing to hear your problems, but only when they’re packaged with a solution. It doesn’t have to be the right solution. It doesn’t even have to be a good solution. But you have to demonstrate that you’re thinking about resolution, not just identification.
“Hey, I had this issue. Here’s how I’m thinking about solving it. What am I missing?”
This a coaching conversation. That’s empowerment. That’s how you build problem-solvers instead of problem-bringers.
This approach aligns with what the surface acting research calls “deep acting”—where you “genuinely reshape your emotional response” rather than simply faking it Page 2, Sayre et al., 2025. When you take the time to reframe problems as coaching opportunities, you’re investing energy upfront that pays dividends later.
Building Teams That Solve, Not Wait
Great leaders don’t absorb energy—they redirect it. They don’t collect problems; they cultivate problem-solvers. And they understand that their job isn’t to be the smartest person in the room with all the answers. Their job is to ask the questions that unlock the intelligence already present in their team.
When you redirect with care, clarity, and grace, you’re not abandoning your people. You’re believing in them enough to let them struggle, learn, and grow. You’re saying, “I trust that you have what it takes to figure this out. And I’ll coach you through it, but I won’t rob you of the opportunity to own it.”
Dr. Chris Mullen of UKG captures this beautifully: “By going back to the foundational needs that should form the basis of the employer-employee relationship — physical safety, psychological security, job stability, and flexibility — they will cultivate newfound trust and empathy” Page 4-5, Moss, 2020. But I’d add one more foundational need: the belief that your people are capable.
The transformation is remarkable. Teams that were once dependent become proactive. People who waited for direction start bringing solutions. The culture shifts from “What should I do?” to “Here’s what I’m planning to do—what do you think?”
And you? You get your capacity back. You stop carrying the weight of everyone’s problems and start doing the work only you can do—strategic thinking, long-term planning, culture-building, and genuine coaching.
Your Opportunity to Lead Differently
So here’s my question for you: Where are you carrying the monkey right now?
Where has your team successfully transferred their responsibility onto your back, and where have you accepted it without realizing what you were doing? It’s not their fault—they’re simply responding to what you’ve trained them to expect. The opportunity is yours to change the pattern.
The research is clear about what happens when you don’t. As Sayre’s team discovered, leaders who start the day depleted “struggle to handle [their] own or others’ emotions,” often “lash out at others and even consume more alcohol to numb their feelings” Page 4, Sayre et al., 2025. The warning signs include feeling disconnected from your team, starting your day already drained, and struggling to form genuine connections.
But there’s also a clear path forward. The same research found that “low-effort activities uniquely protected individuals from the downsides of surface acting” Page 4, Sayre et al., 2025. When you stop absorbing every problem and start redirecting them appropriately, you create space for the restoration you need. “The key was not how long participants relaxed after work, but rather that they did it regularly and effectively detached from work demands” Page 4, Sayre et al., 2025.
Your Next Steps
This week, when someone brings you a problem, pause. Feel the urge to fix it, solve it, take it on. Then take a breath and ask instead:
“What would have to be different?” “What can you do?” “What will you do?”
Redirect the energy. Reinforce their agency. And never let the conversation end without a commitment to action from the person who owns the problem.
Because leadership isn’t about being the hero who saves everyone. It’s about building a team of heroes who save themselves.
Want to dive deeper into this concept? Listen to the full episode of Leadership Unlocked where Dusty breaks down the leadership judo framework with more stories and practical applications: Episode 10: The Leadership Judo Move
Interested in learning more? Book a free consultation with our founder and CEO, Dusty Holcomb, to discover how to unlock your team’s capabilities with the ultimate leadership judo moves.
FAQs
The key is in your tone and genuine curiosity. Start by acknowledging the problem: “I can see why that’s frustrating” or “That sounds challenging.” Then transition with empowering language: “Let’s think through this together—what would have to be different for this to work?” You’re not dismissing; you’re engaging at a higher level. The research on surface acting shows that authenticity matters—when you genuinely believe in your team’s capability, they can tell. The difference between coaching and abandonment is your continued presence and genuine interest in their thinking process.
Start with smaller questions that break down the problem. “What’s one small thing you could try?” or “If you had to make your best guess, what might work?” Often, they know more than they think—they just haven’t been asked to access that knowledge. If they truly lack the expertise, use it as a coaching moment: “Let’s explore this together. What information do you need? Where could you find it?” The HBR research emphasizes that reframing situations “as a chance to learn about others, yourself, or your work situation” Page 6, Sayre et al., 2025 is key to authentic leadership. You’re still building their capability, not doing it for them.
Even in urgent situations, you can ask rapid-fire questions: “What’s your recommendation? What do you need from me to execute?” In true emergencies, you may need to be more directive, but you can still debrief afterward: “Next time we face something similar, what would you do differently?” The research shows that taking even brief pauses—what they call “micro-breaks”—can make a significant difference. “The investment is small, as micro-breaks can be effective while lasting five minutes or less” Page 5, Sayre et al., 2025. The goal isn’t perfection in every moment—it’s the pattern over time.
Coaching means staying engaged while transferring ownership. You’re present, asking questions, providing guardrails, and offering perspective—but you’re not doing the work. Abandonment means disengaging entirely: “Figure it out yourself.” As the burnout research emphasizes, empathetic leadership requires “actively listening to your people, and then taking action” Page 2, Moss, 2020. The distinction is your continued investment in their growth and your availability as a sounding board, not a solution-provider. You’re creating what researchers call “psychological security”—where team members feel safe to struggle, learn, and occasionally fail without fear of punishment.
The research identifies clear warning signs. You’re likely surface acting if you “start your day already depleted,” “feel disconnected from your team,” or “struggle to handle your own or others’ emotions” Pages 3-4, Sayre et al., 2025. With your team, watch for patterns: Are you the bottleneck for every decision? Do team members come to you with problems but no proposed solutions? Do you feel resentful about the volume of issues landing on your desk? These are signs that monkeys are accumulating on your back. The good news? The research shows that low-effort recovery activities—simple relaxation, brief walks, or moments of genuine detachment—can help break the cycle and restore your capacity to lead effectively Page 4, Sayre et al., 2025.
